


Before the Morning

by Spaghettibopp



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Depression, F/F, Fix-It of Sorts, I don't guarentee any happy endings, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Sayori is tired, Self-Harm, but it's possible, self-hate, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 11:41:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13433997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spaghettibopp/pseuds/Spaghettibopp
Summary: It gets harder before it gets easier. On good days, Sayori can remember that. But the days haven't been good. The storm has been building and it feels like the rainclouds will never leave.(tw for depression. Self-harm and abuse may come up in later chapters. I'll update the tags as I continue.)





	Before the Morning

_Do you think she really cares? Haha, what am I saying? Of course she d̶̡͛ ̸̝͝o̷͕̫̒̏ ̸͖̿e̸͈̋̀ ̵̧̻͋̏š̸̨̓ ̶͙̘̾̀ņ̴̱̈́ ̶͙̓̍'̶̨͘̕ ̶̞̭͝t̶͚͌. S̸͈̕h̶͙͗e̴͕̎’̸̧̈s̴̠͠ ̵̛͖j̴̲̚ṳ̶͝ș̶t̶͓̕ ̶͈̔u̴̒͜ ̴̩͘s̷͓͘ ̴̝͐i̸̺͗ ̶̰̉n̶̪͋ ̷͙̄g̸͓͊ ̴̢̅ ̴̨́m̷̨̂m̵͕͑m̴͍̌m̷͙̋ṃ̸̛m̴̠̔m̵̦̅m̶̙̐ḿ̶͉m̸̖̒ṃ̶̀m̵̫̎m̵̳͌m̸͓̔m̷̌͜m̷̲̃m̴͓ṃ̵͊m̶̢̓m̴̗̚m̸͓̃m̷͛͜.̵͈͋_

Sayori shook her head, trying to rid herself of the static building with every thought. She had thought that that would be over now. Like when Monika kissed Sayori's hurt forehead, the President had promised she would make it all better. She said that Yuri and Natsuki were really the only ones that had heard the static “before.” (Monika never explained what “before” was, but it sent chills down her spine.) Therefore, the Vice President would probably only have to worry about her depression worsening.

She had been ordered to tell someone whenever she hit one of her lows, but….

Sayori continued staring at the ceiling, eyes scraping lazily across it. With a pit in her stomach, she glanced over to check the time. It had been an hour.

_An hour of Sayori doing nothing. An hour of not getting her homework done. Of not working on her poems. Of being the useless and irresponsible mess she had always been.  
How does anyone think that I’ll change? They hope so badly for me to feel better, for me to be the perky and enthusiastic member they know _ so _well. Yuri has even been helping me with homework. Natsuki taught me a bit of how to bake, and we’ve both started learning how to cook. And of course, Monika … Monika does everything she can for me. I̷ ̸t̴ ̷w̸a̷s̶ ̵a̴s̸ ̶i̴f̶ ̶s̷h̵e̷ ̷w̶a̴s̸ ̷t̵r̸y̶ ̴i̶ ̷n̷g̵ ̴t̵o̸ ̵ r̶e̶ ̸p̸ ̶l̵l̸l̷l̶l̷l̷l̵ ̸a̶ ̴c̸e̶-̸-̶-̵_

She should get up. She should text Monika and tell her that she wasn’t feeling her best today.

….

But Sayori could not find the energy. What was the point of getting up if she was just going to bother someone with her stupid problems? As for her homework and poems … she had already let everything get out of hand. She was already a failure. Every day, she continued to prove it. Yuri would be upset at her if she did not finish her homework … but she was already too far behind to save.

_Maybe she would finally see how useless Sayori was and stop helping her. Maybe they would all see how horrible she really could be. They might do the right thing and kick her out of the club. After all, who wants someone so negative? She should just stop bothering them altogether. No one would notice if she stopped showing up._

A buzz.

_…._

Another buzz.

_…._

A third.

….

Sayori turned and reached for her phone, checking her messages. It was probably just something from one of her apps, like an update for a game. She unlocked the screen, dreading the inevitable disappointment.

Instead, she found three new messages from Monika. And a fourth was apparently on the way, according to the “Monika is typing” text jumping in and out of sight as the President wrote. Sayori elected to let her finish that before responding, leaving time to read the messages thoroughly.

 

>Hello wonderful! <3 How is my little Vice-Prez doing?

 

_They’re going to get tired of me._

 

>Here’s a link to something from that anime Natsuki made us watch. She said it was hilarious, so I thought you might like it!

 

_How can I be so selfish to be friends with these people? I don’t deserve them. Not in the least._

 

> [link]

Lilmonix is typing…

 

Sayori waited for a minute, debating if it was worth it to grab her earbuds and follow the link. Just as she reached for the tangled ball of wire, Monika’s latest message(s, as she discovered) came through.

 

> And by the way, I’m always here if you want to talk. Just in case! I knowyou know that already haha. But like, if you ever just wanna call and talk about stuff, I’m here!

>Oh dear, I’m bad at this….

 

Sayori felt her mouth move ever so slightly. She didn’t deserve Monika, but her messages were certainly comforting. The President seemed to have good intentions behind her awkward duck-ness. _T̶̻̎o̴̝͊o̵͙͘ ̶̱̋b̸̭̍á̵̰d̴̨͆ ̴̥͠i̸͛ͅt̵͈̆ ̴̗̔w̷̞̾a̶͚̋s̶̢ ̸͍͂ã̵̞l̶̘̎l̶̡͌ ̷̮̑j̵͎͝u̷̯͒s̵̬t̸͍͑ ̸̭̀l̸̯̀i̴̤̽ḙ̴̃s̷̥͑_

…. No. Monika was not a liar. She was trying really hard to make the club something to enjoy, even after whatever had happened “before.” Sayori respected how hard she worked. It may have been harder for the others, but she could see that their leader was secretly lonely. Even being the “most popular girl in school” seemed to have its drawbacks. Besides having to keep up appearances and high grades, there would always be some distance between her and everyone else. Fake friends - the Heathers of high school - combined with those that deemed themselves unworthy made for a pretty harsh social life.

Or so Sayori had heard. She was not really popular. Kind of the opposite, really, and rightly so.

Typing was better than thinking. She started to respond.

 

>you’re doing great Moni~! I’ll wtach the video in a bit, but thanks!!  
>I know i can count on you, dw ^^

 

Sayori smiled as if she had to prove that she really was okay to a hidden audience. Her fingers shook above the keyboard, fighting to keep from writing the truth. She shouldn’t bother Monika. If she just kept up with her happy thoughts, then there would be nothing to talk about anyway. No reason to annoy or worry her.

_N̶̠͋o̴̖̿t̶͎͝ ̴̮̏t̷͙h̷͖̊ạ̵̓ẗ̵̢ ̸̫̎s̴̨͐h̶̗e̷̟͝ ̷̣̓w̷̳̚o̸̚͜u̴̢̐l̵̙̎d̴̢̕ ̶̭̚b̸̟̾ė̶͎ ̸̘̎w̶̯͗o̸̺͛r̸͙̓r̶̢͋i̴͈͆e̵͇̒d̴̯̅_

 

>Aww, thanks Sayo <3 And okie! Just whenever you want to. (^-^)

 

The Vice-President wasn’t sure what to say in response, other than a simple “no problem.” It felt draining to continue the conversation, and she would have been useless during it anyway. Maybe if she just took a nap, things would be better. Her mood would shift, something would change. She might still wake up a failure, but maybe, just maybe, she would no longer feel like one. In the back of her mind, she knew that she would just end up feeling worse. More time would have gone by. But time was already going by, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. At least if she was asleep, she wouldn’t have to deal with the angry rainclouds in her head.

She heard a buzz, but she couldn’t find it in her to check. She would just be bothering Monika anyway.

~~~

Monika stared at the screen, already aware that Sayori probably would not answer. It was not Monika’s fault. It really wasn’t! Not this time, at least. The problem was that Monika could not quite erase the members’ issues. Natsuki always had an abusive father, Yuri always cut, and Sayori had always been depressed. These were set in stone before she had ever even made the Literature Club. She had tried making the issues worse, and everyone present saw how _that_ had turned out. Making them better was somewhat trickier though. The most she could do was try to help them understand some of what they had gone through. Memories would have been too much too soon, but a little voice slowly growing could possibly comfort them whenever they remembered something in the form of a nightmare.

She had thought it was all planned out. The voice could help with the issues too. It would be as if there was a little Monika telling them that things would be okay when they each started to reach their respective lows. It could have been a little something to help make up for what she had done.

Instead, that – like her previous idea – had backfired horribly. Sayori and the others only remembered not to trust Monika, while the ‘comforting’ part had somehow been twisted into making things worse. Either that or it was not running at all. This seemed particularly hard on Sayori as of late. The President could only watch as her friend slipped away, unsure of what she could do to help. She just wanted to make things better, but things never worked out as planned. Now she had to worry about making sure things did not get _worse_ from here.

Surely they couldn’t, right?

**Author's Note:**

> Vent that became this. I have plans for more since a semi-plot is coming along, but no idea on the ending.
> 
> To be honest, sometimes I want to take requests just for endings. I have a lot of beginning and middle ideas, but I get lost after that. So if you have any of those, don’t be afraid to send them! And yes, I take “everyone dies” as an ending, but know that I may very well go with it, so be careful what you wish for. : )


End file.
